When Happy New Year is Anything But

The exhausting nature of pretending to be fine when you are still sad

NOTE: I have the privilege to publicly share this mental health journey with little possibility of personal or professional ramifications. Many of you do not have such a luxury. I wish you did, so in my sharing, I hope you feel seen.

Last week, I shared a bit about my latest depression episode and just want to let folks know that if you are also having a hard time embracing the “happy” in Happy New Year, I feel ya so much.

As we have entered these final few days of 2024, we now greet 2025, deeply desiring that the proverbial page will turn. Of course we want to move from a year that, for many of us, has meant making it to the other side of an exhausting election cycle, watching the United States continue to support the genocide in Palestine, and experiencing tragedy after tragedy, death after death, and loss after loss.

I want nothing else than to see that fucking page turn, start with a crystal clean slate, and otherwise [ctrl] [alt] [del] on the shit show that has been 2024, heck, that has been the past eight-plus years. I take comfort in knowing that I am not alone in this. While there is still much hope in the world, we are undoubtedly experiencing a collective exhaustion brought about by an onslaught of destructive choices, circumstances, and coercion.

And yet, no matter how much I want to ring in 2025 standing under a shower of sustainable, rainbow-colored confetti, my mind still buzzes with negative thoughts about the world, others, relationships, and sometimes myself. To be clear, I am not having any thoughts of self-harm, but I do find myself losing sleep, zoning out, and otherwise sinking into those places where it takes every amount of my energy to try and appear that all is good.

Happy fucking new year.

Sometimes, it is just fine, and the page turns.

And other times, it’s exhausting to pretend.

What I have found helpful is to distract myself from the swirling, even in short bursts, by diving into some creative work, working out, writing words, listening to music¹, and being decisively present with others — low screen time, listening, and appreciating.

I have also given myself permission to be sad, to hold my dog all night on the couch, to tend my plants and/or to stop what I am doing and take a moment to pay attention to my breath.

The page will turn when it turns.

So, if this is you, Happy New Year, whenever it may make itself known.

1. And if you need a playlist, here is a constantly growing “Songs for My Soul” playlist that inlcudes a couple of friends on the list: David Lamotte and

Heatherlyn Music

.