Allowing Myself Not to Love My Body

Musings from a hospital bed, again.

So how was your weekend?

Mine sucked.

This post comes to you via my phone, from a hospital bed, and post-narcotic haze. Yesterday after my pancreas decided to get all pissed off and start digesting me from the inside — again —at midnight, last night, out came my gallbladder.

For those of you who have been in my life for a minute remember that I had a severe case of pancreatitis about 20 years ago. I legit almost died and was hospitalized for over a month. All was well for quite a while and then that dastardly pancreatitis reappeared again a few years ago. We have never figured out what has caused it, but pretty sure it is high triglycerides and maybe gallbladder sludge.

This time around, while glamping this week and eating wonderfully, but terribly, I felt that familiar stomach pain creep up. In all honesty, my first response was, “Again?!?! This effing sucks. I hate my body.” Sure many folks have chronic health issues, but with hospitalizations for pancreatitis and Covid, I feel like I have earned the right to complain.

As soon as I thought those bad thoughts about my body, I immediately felt a little guilty. After all, we are all supposed to love our bodies no matter what, right? Yes, I def believe we have to combat and reject body shaming and embrace the variety of bodies that exist in the world, but there are also times that it's okay to be frustrated and enraged by these bodies we inhabit.

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BREAKING NEWS: Doctors just came in and let me know that I would be here a few more days to make sure the pancreatitis is under control. Super bummed, but probably wise.

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I'm also pissed at my body because I have been tending it so well. Over the past year I have held a food and exercise discipline that has me in the best shape of my life that had me genuinely falling in love with my body again. To be clear, this was not just about shape and weight, but the improved health that came along with my recent changes. I've come to accept some genetic hand-me-downs, but I had been doing so well at controlling the things I could control.

And then, again with the pancreatitis. For some reason my body has decided that I am susceptible to that angry pancreas life, and that just makes me mad.

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SIDE RANT: As a self-employed person, I have healthcare because of my spouse. I do not have sick leave, because my body decided to go rogue, I will also lose income from a weekend speaking event that I have had to cancel. I'll be fine as I am in a hugely privileged space, but so many others exist without healthcare, sick leave and other benefits that everyone should have. If this happened to someone truly without, this would be a life-altering event. Healthcare For All!

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So here I am, lying in a hospital bed AGAIN, family worried, tasks left undone, and sore as all get out. Don't worry, I'm a good patient. There is lots of napping and I'm doing what I need to do to heal. At the end of the day, all will be well. Still I'm a little salty about the whole thing.

So my dear body I'm angry at you. I will get over it and I do love you, but not so much right now.

Prayers are welcomed and appreciated and actions for universal healthcare even more so!

If you want to keep up, I'll post over on threads. I may sometimes be heavily medicated. You have been warned.