My Memorial Service

An invitation for us all to help our loved ones grieve at the time of our death

First, I openly wept multiple times while writing this — not because I am fearful of or expecting death any time soon or because I watched the final video too many times, but because even thinking about the end of my or anyone’s life is tender work. Still, it is important work to do, and I invite you to embrace and enter into it.

Pastoring for nearly 30 years, I have learned that one of the most generous gifts you can offer your family is to take care of your end-of-life arrangements. Yes, this can be a difficult topic to think about, but the reality is that someday your time on this earth will end, your body will need to be tended to, and your loved one will need to grieve their loss and celebrate your life.

Often, I have heard folks say to their family, “I don’t care. Do what you want. I won’t be there anyway.” I get it. This may seem like an honest and gracious gesture, but for your loved ones who have to make a million decisions in the midst of deep grief (you hope), trying to honor your life while navigating all of the expected and unexpected emotions can unnecessarily add to the stress of the time.

Plus, if you are like me, deep down, you probably do care.

Here are some thoughts.

First, about our bodies.

• Fill out your advanced directive. Let your family know your wishes in case you cannot make your own medical decisions. I for one wish for an peaceful in my sleep or death on my own terms, how we go is not always up to us. Letting people know what you want will help your family (who may disagree) to honor your wishes and not their wants.

• Write your will and living trust. While most folks would like to believe that their families will not squabble over estate issues, I hate to say it, but people get weird about money and inheritance. I know and have experienced too many family schisms that were born out of disagreements during these times to know that grief does not always bring out the best in us. Resentments are often amplified, and/or other issues are dredged that we didn’t even realize still live in our souls. We created our very early in our lives because we wanted to be clear about who did and did not have our blessings to raise our kids.

• Take care of your cremation/burial arrangements. Again, while most funeral homes are honest places, trying to make decisions amid so much grief can often lead to poor financial and logistical decisions. If you arrange and pay for what you want, you can lessen your family's emotional and fiscal expenses. We are exploring Green Burials rather than cremation or casket burial.

And a word about memorial or funeral services:

Yes, services are for the living, and it’s not that you do not trust your family, but you also want to help your loved ones have a memorial service that reflects your well-lived life. Too often, relationships, resentment, emotions, and conflicts get worked out during the memorial service—and not in a healthy or healing way.

Here are my notes and wishes for the time when my memorial must be planned; and yes, I am assuming it will be a church service:

• Food: While technically not part of the service, feeding people is at the top of the list. The only demand is that there better be lots of it. If it would be awesome to have someone make my spinach dip, guacamole, and coffee by Philz, it would not be frowned upon. For the big meal, Kamayan would be awesome, but I understand logistics might make that difficult, so plenty of Filipino food, Dim Sum, or Prime Rib would make me smile.

• Robin, Ev, Abby, Annie, and the rest of my immediate family: Please participate only as much as you feel you can. I hope we have said all that we needed to say to one another by the time of my death, so there is no need to “be strong” for others. I'm not sure if you know this, but we have many talkers in our family, so if you need to sit and be, please do that.

• Video: Please share all the embarrassing pictures. And I would not be averse to the soundtrack being Beautiful, We Are Each Other’s Angels, anything by Adele, Alicia Keys, New Edition, Debbie Gibson, Babyface, Lakeside, Con-funk-shun, Cool & the Gang, Bobby Brown (iffy), etc. Oh, and if a musical number makes it in, I would not be disappointed: Like Water, For Good, Keep Marching, and the end of In the Heights finale if you need suggestions.

• Liturgy: If the family is open to planning, please do, but if you would like help, I request that any remaining members of my Forever Young Urban Pastor’s group help craft the service itself.

• Music: I know asking any of my family or friends to sing is a lot, but that would be lovely. For hymns, my favorites are Borning Cry, GTG #488, Will You Come and Follow Me - the Summons, GTG #726, and Everyone Born, GTG #769 (See notes below with final video).

• Sermon: Okay, this is a tough one, considering I have no idea who will be around, able, and willing. It's a bit of a cop-out, but I will leave it to the family to choose the person who makes the most sense at the time. As far as other speakers, I would thoroughly enjoy hearing from folks from as many stages of my life as possible: Sacramento/Stockton, The Parenting Years, the aforementioned Forever Young Urban Pastors, my Moderator Era, and any family member/s who are feeling called to lay down some sweet rhymes.

• Scripture: Romans 12:9-21 and family or preacher’s choice.

• Vibe: Please tell stories. Yes, I assume there will be tears, but I will be really upset if there is no laughter. I mean, we all have been through some things, and I fully expect that we will be able to laugh about them by now. I also hope we name and welcome all the ancestors who played a part in shaping and forming us all. None of us are who we are alone.

• Closing. It seems only appropriate that the community end with a unison reading of my Charge and Benediction.

Okay, that’s it. I hope this sharing is helpful to folks and will encourage them to think about end-of-life planning. Again, I am not in any hurry for this post to become necessary, but as we know, we never know. So when the time comes, dear loved ones, I hope you receive this with the tenderness, love, and generosity intended.

In life and death, we belong to God, B.

---

David Lamotte, one of my favorite humans and We Are Each Other’s Angels.

My forever crush, Christina and her 2022 version of Beautiful. (Orginal)

NOTE: Please do not sing verse 4 and change all lyrics to current non-binary language. Heck, feel free to play the version of For Everyone Born from Windermere United Church because, wow, just wow.

Be sure to listen to the end. Amazing.